ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
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I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Don’t touch that.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers