I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
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My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
synchronized noseblowing
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.