ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
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Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap: