The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
You Might Also Like
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
new record!
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
*3.5 thank you very much.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
There’s never enough good news
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.