“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
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Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
A tragic love story in two pictures.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
This kinda thing happens to me often
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
i think both sides are to blame here
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}