Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
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My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.