My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
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no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.