Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
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If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
My kitchen overserved me.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.