wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
You Might Also Like
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.