Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
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Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run