I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
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Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.