If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
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Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”