I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
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She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
his wife is probably gonna see that
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
The 6 types of sex
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”