If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
You Might Also Like
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.