The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.