shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
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I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”