Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
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tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.