I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.