DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
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I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Breaking news:
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything