When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
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Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.