a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
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Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Just how popey was the pope today?
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Put a ring on it
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
I’ve had worse
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
🙂🙃🥹
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum