If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
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Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…