Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
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Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.