Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
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When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Damn what did I do next
Hey I worked for it too!
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.