I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
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My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!