[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
You Might Also Like
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me: