If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
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Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos