one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
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The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.