I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
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[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u