horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
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I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Pot warmers of the day.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.