Why can’t mirrors be nicer
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*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?