can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
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I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
#TopTip
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Can. I. Help. You.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works