3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
You Might Also Like
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Good boy 😂😂
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers