When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
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Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
The point of your 20s
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.