Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
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Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
A friend helps you before you need it
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Can’t, holding a grudge
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.