Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
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Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.