Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
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Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that