When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
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I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I want to meet the individual who made this
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Jupiter
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue