“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
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The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?