Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
You Might Also Like
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
My zodiac sign is pistachio
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what