Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
You Might Also Like
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
It’s the weekend y’all
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
This rocks
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.