i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
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I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Autocarrot sucks!
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me