My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
You Might Also Like
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
My dog ate my work from home.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.