I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
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Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
My biological clock is wheezing.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Saturday