Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
You Might Also Like
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
pat pat
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.