everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
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Sex so good you see dead people.
#TopTip
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.