[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
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Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂