A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
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The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
at ease…shoulder.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.