If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
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My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Can. I. Help. You.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!