How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
You Might Also Like
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Breaking news:
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring